There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
