New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
