So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
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I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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