I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
