i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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