I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
