Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
