and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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