3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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