True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
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Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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