just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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