I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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