he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize