I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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