New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
