...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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