you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
