Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
