I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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