He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
