so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
