Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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