A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
