Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
