i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
