I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
