I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
