Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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