I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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