Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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