Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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