she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
