9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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