I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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