my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
