im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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