omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
