puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
