a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
