He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
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It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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