Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
