Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
not ubering you a puppy
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
