I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
