I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
