I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
