I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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