theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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