ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
