i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
