I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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