Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
