so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
