He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
