I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
