Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
