Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm bleeding and have questions
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
