Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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