I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
